I'm doing it!

Clothes are hard to purge. Aside from the emotional reasons (see previous post), clothes are hard to purge because:

1. Evening clothes, though rarely worn, are expensive and hard to buy when needed (e.g. "babe, did I mention that client dinner at the Swanky Hotel on Thursday?"). Of course it's been more than a year since I wore most of them, but I'm keeping my favourites. 
2. Clothes that aren't useful today might be in future. Case in point: hundreds of dollars worth of suits, untouched since I quit my job a few months ago. I'll work again one day. I might even wear suits again. I'm keeping my favourites.
3. Clothes that are too small today might fit in the future. While conventionally regarded as a delusion, I believe this to be true. I remember a day when I pulled on some old jeans and they fit again. What a great feeling! Admittedly, I had just reached bridal weight, and they stopped fitting again shortly after the honeymoon. But now I've started jogging and yoga, and I'm no longer trapped in an office self-medicating with Peanut M&M's. Fitness could happen! Many would scoff, but if I truly love it, and if I would actually wear it if it fit, I'll keep it -- in one specially-marked bin labelled "Too Small -- Wear or Toss by June 8, 2012". 
4. Clothes that are too big today might fit in the future. It's surprisingly hard to part with ultra-flattering fat pants. But that's the wrong attitude isn't it? Good riddance fat pants! I'm glad not to need you anymore.

Well, despite these little obstacles, I'm thrilled to say that the purge is on!

I'm not finished yet, but I've made a lot of progress today. I've thrown out several things and set aside a few piles of outgoing clothes, so far. My husband has his half of the closet back (I can't wait to get at his stuff too, but that's another story). I'm motivated and I'm going to continue tomorrow.

Clutter runs deep

I've often wondered why it is that I have such a strong desire to get rid of clutter, yet so little success at doing so.
Today I set aside the whole day to make a dent in my clutter. At some point I will go for a run (more of a walk/run because I'm new at this), because that's important to me too, and at some point I will make supper, because that's important to my family, but I have a big chunk of time here.
I decided to start with my clothes.
I feel so anxious about de-cluttering my clothes that I almost talked myself into de-cluttering more toiletries as a "warm up" to the clothes.
I can see now that starting with toiletries would just be procrastinating the clothes. I am very averse to this. I am afraid of it.
I decided to start by meditating, both because I'm trying to make a habit of it and because I thought it would help me get into a better space for this.
Not so much. I didn't find any peace, but I discovered something.
I realized that I have a lot of guilt. Well, I knew that, but I realized that I have even more guilt!
Almost two years ago, my mother died. This has been very hard for me. In lots of ways. Mostly, I miss her. A lot. Also, I feel a lot of guilt. Guilt about not being a better daughter. Guilt about wasted time. Guilt about not showing her how much I loved her. Guilt about being critical of her.
Among other things, I was critical of the way that she held onto things. I tried to help her, but in doing so I was critical of her.
One time I even went so far as to intentionally break a teapot right in front of her. She had received it as a gift but she did not like it. I was trying to show her that it was okay to get rid of an unwanted gift. I took the teapot and wrapped it in newspaper, and dropped it on her kitchen floor. It shattered. She started to cry. She tried to laugh, but I could see that she was very hurt. It was incredibly stupid of me. I feel like a monster. A cold, insensitive bully. I was really trying to help her. I thought that she would find it liberating. She didn't, of course. I've regretted it ever since, and yet I never brought it up again. I wonder if she was able to forgive me, or if she just felt horribly rejected by me, by this heartless creature that she had nurtured.
My mom also kept clothes. In my late teens I pulled out some clothes I was no longer wearing, to give to charity. My mom squeezed them into her dresser and continued to wear them. I found this embarrassing at the time, as any eighteen-year-old probably would. If those clothes weren't good enough for me, my mom deserved better too! But she didn't see it that way. She saw that they were wearable and it would be wasteful to give them away.
Now I feel that purging my own clothes would be a betrayal of my mom.
This is not easy.
I already feel that I was not a good enough daughter when she was alive. Can I get of my clothes while I feel that she's watching, and is disappointed in me?
I remind myself that feelings aren't facts, but I want to believe that she is watching. I want to believe that she is still with me.
I wish that she would forgive me and tell me that it's okay to do this.
I am amazed that my father has apparently been making some progress de-cluttering his home. And yet, he gave me bins of her clothes that I will eventually go through.
Maybe I will start with those easy toiletries after all.
I wish that I didn't feel that getting rid of clothes that don't serve me was betraying my mom. Let me start with that thought. I feel that it's a betrayal. Is it? It's not what she would do. Therefore in doing so I feel that I am rejecting her. Yet I don't love her any less. Is it possible to act differently from one's parent without rejecting them? I am rejecting her beliefs in this one area. Those beliefs were part of her frugality. For most of my life I have been anything but frugal. Very recently, I've become more frugal. Mom, you set a good example for me there, and I'm finally embracing it. But keeping clothes that don't fit, that don't suit me, that I don't want to wear, is not helping me. It's taking up space. It's wasting time. It isn't saving me any money. The money isn't spent, and if I'm not wearing these clothes then they aren't doing any good at all. I'm not criticizing your habits -- you actually wore your clothes! I'm just trying to make some changes in my life. To free up some space for me. I hope you understand.
I can see that I need to find a way to accept myself, to forgive myself.  She isn't here to hear my apology, or to forgive me, and I can't seem to accept that. Yet. I hope.
......
I suppose that my mom got her frugality from her own mom, another absolutely amazing woman. My Oma dismissed any thought of waste with the phrase, "During the war..." She would say this while brushing the visible mould off a blueberry muffin and handing it to me. I will never forget the taste of mouldy blueberry muffin, because I enjoyed it several times. It's hard to argue with someone who raised two kids in an occupied country, her husband hidden from the enemy under the dining room floor. My Oma lived until she was 93 and none of us ever got food poisoning. Two generations later, I still feel a little bit under siege. I just can't identify the enemy.

100 things I no longer have

Since I'll never be the "100 things" type, I decided to count the departed things instead. I just created a page to list the stuff that I've dispatched. 

I wonder if it's wrong to track busted clutter. Will this list be an ongoing tie to the clutter? I just read it and it doesn't feel good. Can I get away with just adding to the list without reviewing it?

When I am all done, if there is such a thing, I will click delete and celebrate. I am looking forward to that.

In the meantime, there is far more clutter in the house than on the list, so I have lots of work to do.

So far, the list is inspiring just because it is embarrassingly short...

Food clutter

Sometimes I do the stupidest things.

I had a full day of tasks ahead of me. The first was grocery shopping. I got that far.

But when I started to put the groceries away I had a sudden urge to clean the fridge. And I listened to this urge, even as I knew that it would derail my other plans.

Of course I told myself it wouldn't take long. Of course I knew that everything takes longer than I expect. And this took even longer than that!

Once I got into it I had a lengthy conversation with myself about my bad habits. I mean, who cares if the inside of the fridge is dirty? I didn't.

But when chilled food covers every inch of counter-top, and half the fridge-racks are washed and drying in the sun, there's nowhere to go but onwards.

The only point at which I thought that cleaning the fridge might have been a good idea was when I found a dead mosquito in there.

Anyway, my fridge is now sparkling, my to do list is barely off the ground, and (silver lining!) I've continued my small steps de-cluttering.

There weren't many expired things in the fridge, which is good news, but they're gone now.

Then our junk-food bin caught my de-clutterring eye. Yes, we had run out of room in our cupboards and started storing junk-food in a bin on top of the fridge.

This got inconvenient when my husband brought home a vat of protein powder with nowhere to go but on top of the junk-food bin. It's hard to enjoy good chocolate when you have to lift a vat of protein powder to get at it.

So, I am happy to say that the junk-food bin is now history! I started by tossing all the leftover Easter, Christmas, and yes, Halloween candy. This left nothing in the bin but pumpkin seeds and chocolate-covered almonds (his fixes) and dark chocolate bars (mine). And then I realized, there's room for those in the kitchen cupboards. Bye-bye junk-food bin!

Next stop, clothes...

The plastic drawer

Today's de-clutter turned out to be more of a re-organization than a purge. It wasn't sexy but it did lighten our load a little bit.
As often happens, our big drawer of plastic food-storage containers would not close today.
As rarely happens, I decided to respond without the use of force.
Instead:

1. I spread a clean blanket on the floor, and emptied the drawer onto the blanket. 
2. I picked out the containers that belong to my mother-in-law and moved them to the front entry.
3. I picked out the things that belong elsewhere and put them away.
4. I picked out the broken and orphaned pieces and recycled them.
5. I tried to find other pieces to recycle, and realized that we do use most of this stuff. So, I picked out three containers that don't stack, and grouped them at the back of the drawer. If we don't use them in the next month then I'll give them away. 
6. I put everything back neatly and found I had room to add our Pyrex food-storage containers to the same drawer. Having all the food-storage containers in one organized place will make them easier to find and might even reduce the number we need. 

As soon as I was done our dog Charley moved in and enjoyed a nap on the empty blanket. Sorry, no pictures of drawer or dog.

One thing at a time

Without a lot of time for de-cluttering, I'm keeping my momentum going by tossing things as I encounter them.
One day it was toiletries we were never going to use, like the body scrub that made us itchy.
Another day it was the potty-training toilet-seat insert that shifted precariously when my son sat on it -- I don't think anyone could pee sitting on that thing!
Another day it was a bunch of old, stretched out underwear that I was keeping "just in case" -- just in case I ran out of clean underwear; just in case I needed a reason to drive extra-carefully to avoid ending up in a hospital gown in faded panties.
Odd series of items. Anyway, I'm glad to be rid of them.

One box at a time

Yesterday I took this box of toys to the post office and shipped it to my eight-month-old nephews. 

Do I feel good about this? 

I feel good imagining their faces when they open up an entire box of new toys! I feel good that my two-year-old participated in selecting the toys to send to his cousins and came to the post office with me ("I don't want to go to the post office!"). 

I feel a little bit good that they're out of our house.

But mostly I feel bad about all the clutter that's here. I feel bad that my house remains full of other toys. I feel bad that toys are the least of my worries.

How about clothes, mountains of clothes...

Papers, stacks of papers...

How is it that I want to get rid of all this stuff and I sit here not doing it?

I am overwhelmed. I am afraid to dive in. And I am also trying to make other changes too -- daily meditation and exercise and adequate sleep.

So I am posting this little box of toys to stay focused on the positive. To remind myself that things are moving out, even if they're moving at an incredibly slow trickle.

Yes, it's just a box. But it's moving in the right direction.